This is from Dan, who offers us a new word and an idea worth understanding and enjoying. He suggests looking at Wikipedia’s link for more paraprosdokians: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paraprosdokian

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. I hope you enjoy these!

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I didn’t say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Many of us get confused about when to hyphenate between words. For example, should you write nearly-extinct wolves or nearly extinct wolves?

Nearly answers how close to extinct wolves are/were. Adverbs answer the questions how, where, and when.

Adverbs do not get attached to adjectives with hyphens. Therefore, the adverb nearly, like most ly words, does not get hyphenated.

Only compound adjectives—adjectives that act as one idea with other adjectives—get hyphenated in front of nouns.

Example: The crowd threw out the barely edible cake.
The word barely is an adverb answering how edible the cake was.

Example: newly diagnosed disease
The word newly is an adverb answering when.

Example: We live in a two-story building.
The word two does not answer how, when, or where. It is acting as one idea with story to describe the noun building. Therefore, two-story is a compound adjective requiring a hyphen.

Example: The announcer offered a blow-by-blow description of the boxers’ punches.
Blow-by-blow is acting as one idea. Therefore, it is a compound adjective.

Example: Our building is two stories.
When the description follows the noun, do not hyphenate.

To learn more about hyphens, click here.

Click here to try a free quiz on hyphens.

Do you use a singular or plural verb to match a collective noun such as team or staff? The answer is, “It depends.” If these nouns are acting as a unit, use a singular verb.

Example: The team is heading for practice this afternoon.

If the sentence indicates more individuality, use a plural verb.

Example: The team are eating with their families tonight.

Would you choose is or are in the example below?

Example (an actual headline from CNN.com): Nearly one in four people worldwide is/are Muslim.

People is NOT a collective noun like team or staff. It is a plural noun. However, the subject is one, which is singular and takes a singular verb. So the answer is is. In the above sentence, the prepositional phrase is in four people. This means that people is the object of the preposition.

Let’s get real here, however: The intention in this headline is to let us know that nearly 25% of the world’s population is Muslim. That intention gets lost by focusing on one is. It might be better to reword the sentence: Nearly 25% of people in the world are Muslim.

Why is 25% of people are correct? The subject of this sentence is 25%. Fractions and percentages, like team and staff, can be either singular or plural depending on the object of the preposition following. In this case people is the object of the preposition of. We have already said that people is plural. Therefore, 25% becomes plural in meaning.

Example: Twelve percent of the list has/have volunteered to help with the fundraising.

The subject is twelve percent, which will be either singular or plural depending on the object of the preposition that follows. In this sentence, the object of the preposition is list, which is always singular. So the correct answer is has.

To learn more about subject and verb agreement, click here.

Ready to challenge yourself?

Pop Quiz

1. The team is/are headed to the nationals since winning the state finals.

2. The mock trial team was/were happy with their presentations to the judge.

3. Nearly 25% of the population is/are Muslim.

4. Our staff meets/meet on Tuesday mornings to discuss customer complaints.

5. Our staff works/work hard to meet their goals and deadlines.

Pop Quiz Answers

1. The team is headed to the nationals since winning the state finals.
Team is being used as a cohesive unit so a singular verb is required.

2. The mock trial team were happy with their presentations to the judge.
Team is plural because separate presentations were given. Also, when the plural their is used, the implication is that the collective noun is being used as a plural.

3. Nearly 25% of the population is Muslim.
The word population is a collective noun that can take either a singular or plural verb, depending on the intention of the author. The intention here is to indicate that this percentage represents a single group.

4. Our staff meets on Tuesday mornings to discuss customer complaints.
Staff, a collective noun, is acting as a single unit in this sentence.

5. Our staff work hard to meet their goals and deadlines.
Their is a clue that staff is not acting as a unit. Therefore, the plural work is needed.

How do you know that work, not works, is plural? Think about which word you would use with he and which word you would use with they.

Examples:
She works too hard for her age.
They work harder when the foreman is around.

We tend to speak plainly and succinctly but for some reason, when we write, we stuff our sentences with extra verbiage, turning streamlined ideas into confusing, out-of-shape messes.

Here is a good example of a sentence that needs a workout: The network that this computer is able to connect to contains information that is privileged and confidential. (Thanks to Lynne W. for this real-life example.) No one speaks this way. We couldn’t come up with such a mouthful of empty words if we tried! The fastest way to shape up your writing is to think simple by placing subjects and verbs close to each other: network contains and computer connects.

This will help you notice and remove extra words like is able to, that this computer, and that is privileged.

Now you will find it easier to rewrite the sentence: This computer connects to a network containing privileged and confidential information. Sleek!

For more tips on effective writing, click here.

Pop Quiz

Simplify the following sentences to make them sleek:

1. We are no longer able to reconcile; therefore, attorneys will be used to effect the dissolution of our marriage.

2. The weather had adverse impacts on our boat resulting in the necessity to rescue us from the water.

3. The leak in the bottom of the boat was due to poor maintenance on the part of the crew.

Pop Quiz Sample Answers

(Other answers are possible.)

1. We have hired attorneys to help us with our divorce.

2. Our boat capsized in the storm so we needed rescuing.

3. The boat leaked because the crew did not maintain it.

Should you write 13-feet or 13 feet? Here is the rule: when you’re combining two or more words to form a compound adjective in front of a noun, put hyphens between these words.

Examples:
Lara handed me a 15-foot pole.
An 18-inch monitor is too big for my desk.
Emergency room nurses work 12-hour shifts.
Anthony swung his five-pound hammer.

In the above sentences, the measurements are compound adjectives describing nouns.

When numbers are used as nouns, don’t use a hyphen.

Examples:
Suzanne won the race by a solid 15 feet.
The room was 17 feet long.
Twelve hours later, he was exhausted.
Anthony’s hammer weighs five pounds.

To learn more about hyphens, click here.

Pop Quiz

Correct or incorrect?

1. Stella had her hair cut six-inches last week.

2. Her party shoes had three inch heels.

3. Can you lend me your 5-foot tape measure?

4. I am 5-feet-2-inches in my bare feet.

5. The water level rose 10-inches in just three hours.

Pop Quiz Answers

1. Stella had her hair cut six inches last week.

2. Her party shoes had three-inch heels.

3. Can you lend me your 5-foot tape measure? (Correct)

4. I am 5 feet 2 inches in my bare feet.

5. The water level rose 10 inches in just three hours.

Do you ever wonder if you should double a letter when adding a suffix? For example, why does shop become shopping, not shoping since hope becomes hoping, not hopping?

This week’s tip will help you spell correctly when adding suffixes. We have Lawrence K. to thank for sending this suggestion as well as for many of the examples.

Tip: When adding a suffix, double the final consonant if the preceding vowel would otherwise change from short to long.

Example: shop / shopping
Explanation: Without the additional “p,” the pronunciation would rhyme with hoping.

Example: bat / batted
Explanation: Without the additional “t,” the pronunciation would rhyme with gated.

Of course, what kind of English rule would we have without exceptions? (A consistent one?)

According to the tip, transit and profit should both have their consonants doubled when adding a suffix. Otherwise, the “i” becomes long. However, this is not the case.

Examples:
transit / transited / transiting
profit / profited / profiting

In an effort to make us feel even less secure with our spelling, some words are spelled correctly by either doubling the consonant or not.

Example: travel / traveling OR travelling (British preference)

The moral of the story is that we often have no choice but to look these words up or rely on spell checkers that don’t always catch these exceptions.

Pop Quiz

1. I am writing / writting my memoirs.

2. I need a new fited / fitted sheet for my bed.

3. She felt traped / trapped in her job.

4. The boat was propeled / propelled by jet fuel.

5. This document needs formating / formatting.

6. The announcer recaped / recapped the plays.

7. Her remains were intered / interred at the nearby ceremony.

8. His book still hasn’t been edited / editted.

9. She hoped that meditating would help her become enlightened / enlightenned.

10. Labeling / labelling your files thoughtfully will help you find them again later.

Pop Quiz Answers

1. I am writing my memoirs.

2. I need a new fitted sheet for my bed.

3. She felt trapped in her job.

4. The boat was propelled by jet fuel.

5. This document needs formatting.

6. The announcer recapped the plays.

7. Her remains were interred at the nearby ceremony.

8. His book still hasn’t been edited.

9. She hoped that meditating would help her become enlightened.

10. Labeling or Labelling your files thoughtfully will help you find them again later.

When you drive your car, there are laws you must follow. Well, there are also “laws” or criteria for writing effectively. Enhance your credibility and professional image instantly by paying attention to these criteria:

• State the main point clearly, right at the beginning
• Organize information logically
• Leave out unnecessary information
• Use short sentences and paragraphs
• Eliminate unnecessary words
• Include all necessary information
• Use active, precise language and plain English
• Use correct grammar, punctuation, and spelling

Data shows that people won’t read your document if it’s not presented clearly and that you have only about fifteen seconds to get someone’s attention.

This tip was contributed by WriteItWell.com, your editing partner.

Sentences and lists are awkward when they contain a series of items with inconsistent grammatical structure. But as your reader scans through a series of items with parallel grammatical structure, the relationships between different items of information become clear. Here’s an example:

Which of the two sentences below is easier to follow?

At the February meeting we will hold a discussion of the new health plan, whether to revise the procedures manual, and then a draft will be developed of the early retirement policy.

At the February meeting, we will discuss the new health plan, decide whether to revise the procedures manual, and draft an early retirement policy.

In the second example, the parallel verb tenses saved space and helped us grasp the ideas immediately. To help your writing flow smoothly and make sense, use the same format for items you present in a series. To learn more about parallel construction, click here.

Pop Quiz
Rewrite these sentences using parallel construction.

1. Rita’s responsibilities include sorting the mail, answering the phone, and to run errands.

2. We have asked managers to reduce travel budgets by 20 percent and that expense reports should be submitted weekly.

Here are the answers with the parallel words underlined:

1. Rita’s responsibilities include sorting the mail, answering the phone, and running errands.

2. We have asked managers to reduce travel budgets by 20 percent and to submit expense reports weekly.

The same approach applies to lists, which are much easier to read when the grammar is parallel.

Incorrect Example
The agenda for the March meeting includes the following goals:

• Discussion of the new health plan
• Whether to revise the procedures manual
• The early-retirement policy will change

Correct Example
The agenda for the March meeting includes the following goals:

• Discussing the new health plan
• Deciding whether to revise the procedures manual
• Revising the early-retirement policy

Parallel construction can help you organize your thoughts, make your writing flow smoothly, and make your meaning clear immediately. (How is this sentence as an example of parallel construction?)

This tip was contributed by WriteItWell.com, your editing partner.

Twitter’s limit of 140 characters creates some risks. Here are some guidelines for maintaining a professional tone for your tweets:

1. Ask if a tweet is the right format for your message. Step back if you find yourself struggling too hard to fit your message into the site’s character limit. Instead, try turning your message into a blog post or a page on your Web site. Then post a tweet with a link and a brief statement of your topic, e.g., “Check out http://blahblah.com for my thoughts on last week’s conference.”

2. Use contractions and active language to keep your tweets short. Twitter is casual so go ahead and use contractions like “they’re” and “it’s,” even if you’re writing about business. Save space in tweets by using active rather than passive language. For example, write, “The committee will announce the winners” rather than “An announcement of the winners will be made by the committee.” (To learn more about active and passive language, click here.)

3. Be casual but maintain standard English. It’s fine to type “&” instead of “and,” and someone breezing through Twitter may prefer “info” to “information.” But don’t use spellings like “nite” instead of “night,” which saves only one character. Also, some readers will be confused if you tweet “I can’t w8!” instead of “I can’t wait!” Balance careful writing with informality.

This guest tip was written by WriteItWell.com, your editing partner.

Many readers have asked me why people write numbers this way:

Example: We will need 220 (two hundred twenty) chairs.

Isn’t it unnecessary to have both numerals and words for the same number?

Rule of Thumb: There are two reasons for using both: 1. You are more likely to make an error when typing a numeral than when typing a word AND much less likely to spot the error when proofreading. 2. If your document is dense, has a lot of numbers, or contains large numbers, the numerical form helps your readers scan information quickly.

So by typing a combination of a numeral and a word, you are almost guaranteed accuracy and ease of reading.

Rule: Some authorities say that the numbers one through nine or ten should be spelled out and figures used for higher numbers. Other authorities spell out one through one hundred, plus even hundreds, thousands, and so on. The best strategy is to be consistent.

Correct Examples: I want five copies, not ten copies. I want 5 copies, not 10 copies.

Rule: Be consistent within a category. For example, if you choose numerals because one of the numbers you must deal with is greater than ten, you should use numerals for everything in that category. If you use numbers in different categories, use figures for one category and words for the other.

Correct Example: Given the budget constraints, if all 30 history students attend the four plays, then the 7 math students will be able to attend only two plays.
(Students are represented with figures; plays are represented with words.)

Incorrect Example: I asked for five pencils, not 50.